The Flowers in the Weeds

These days. I am "in the weeds."  Or "the rough," as golfers might call it.  The messy, the dirty, the untamed and unkempt, the lost.  The tough days.  Those long days in the short years you've heard about parenthood.  There are diapers and potty accidents.  Sticky, drippy messes and muddy footprints.  There are always more dishes to wash, more laundry to do, more toys to pick up, more housecleaning to carry out, more cooking to plan and accomplish.  I spend so much of my day taking care of my family - which I do willingly and humbly.  But I often reach the end of the day and wonder how many times I actually looked at my children and smiled.  How many kind words did I offer, as opposed to words of direction, correction, and - more often than I'd like to admit - derision?

I am a mediocre housekeeper and that is when I exert my best effort.  When the kids ask for my attention (or pull on my skirt to get it, as our 18-month old does), I always have just one more "little thing," "one more minute," before I can give them my attention and I step around them, pull away from them, move outside of them. Even once I do, my mind wonders to what I'm cooking for dinner or the next load of laundry to be gathered, and I watch the clock, counting the seconds until I'm up again and moving.  And I know they have figured it out - they are not stupid - I see the difference in their expectations of me and my husband, they know who will take the time to wrestle with them and who has just "one more thing" to do before they can join.

This weekend, I spent two nights away from the family and vowed upon my return to sit with my children and listen - there should be no reason for me to feel like there were chores for me to do, returning late on a Sunday afternoon.  I let them surround me, squeeze in beside me, wrap their hands and arms around me, assail me with their stories and hugs.  It felt wonderful and I promised myself I would try each day to find a moment where I settle in among them - instead of holding myself above them, outside of them - and let them consume me. Let myself be consumed by them.

What I hope to find is that letting myself just sit and recharge with my charges - the reason for the rest of my busy-ness, the blessings that give that work - and my life - meaning  - will help me get more accomplished, not less; or at least not care so much about the weeds around me.