How Not to Raise (or Be) an Asshole this Christmas

As a first-time mom years ago, I was so eager to start making beautiful holiday memories for my children, because really that’s what most of us love about Christmas, right?  The wonder we recall from our own childhoods.  So when it’s our turn to start creating those memories for our own children, we are more than ready for the challenge.  And we go all out.  All the time.  And it gets exhausting.

But now that I’ve been helping create holiday memories for my children for a few years, I’ve discovered a few things about how kids experience this season and how we can maybe ease up on ourselves and what we see as our responsibility to cultivate the wonder in their eyes.

1. Buy lots of non-breakable ornaments and let your kids decorate the Christmas tree.  Exactly as they want.  Do not worry about symmetry or beauty or neatness. Do worry about keeping kids excited about the season, feeling like they are taking an equal part, and that their contributions are worthy.  Before you had kids, you could make your tree magazine-worthy, but once you have kids, it’s not about you anymore, or at least it isn’t if you’re wanting them to participate in the wonder of the season.  If you are too heavy-handed with how the decorations should be handled, your kids will lose interest, and maybe even begin to experience a sense of dread in relation to the season.  If you think you can fix the problem by buying a second tree for the kids to decorate, you are underestimating kids’ abilities to pick up on when they are subtly being told the way they do things isn’t good enough.  Trust me, I’m still detoxing my husband from such a childhood.
2. Kids love Christmas lights, no matter where you find them.  My kids go nuts over the sample displays in Target, for pete’s sake.  You really don’t have to drive two hours to take them to the world’s-biggest/brightest/bestest-light-display-since-the-beginning-of-time-ever. And, if you do that this year, how will you top it next year?  Keep expectations low as long as possible.  That’s my motto.
3. It is fun to watch toddlers and preschoolers open presents and squeal with excitement, but resist the temptation to give them dozens of gifts in order to keep seeing that face.  They will eventually tire of the game and just want to play with the toys they’ve opened (or the wrapping paper).  You don’t want to be the parent yelling at your kid to open all their presents on Christmas morning.  Be careful also of the precedent you set by giving copious amounts of gifts; it may take a few years, but they will eventually come to expect many gifts.  And then you will be raising a selfish asshole who only cares about receiving gifts.  (Also, see #2 about low expectations.) 
4. Make the season about more than presents. The themes of Advent (historically a Catholic tradition that is enjoying wider recognition these days) - waiting and preparing the way through generosity and self-sacrifice for a gift greater than ourselves - can apply even in non-religious celebrations of the holiday.  
5. Do Santa.  Don’t do Santa.  But have a plan either way.  Once your kids start interacting with other kids and understanding at least some of Christmas, they will pretty quickly figure out that not everybody celebrates the holiday the way your family does.  And if you haven’t already talked about things like Santa and Jesus and presents, there are plenty of kids out there willing to enlighten your kid - one way or another - and then you’re stuck doing damage control if some kid at daycare torched one of your family’s most treasured holiday traditions.  “Different families do things differently,” is an often repeated theme in our house.
6. Around the age of 3, make your kids give gifts to the other members of the immediate family. If they are old enough to have an allowance, make (yes, make) them spend a little bit of that money on the gifts.  If they are too young to have their own money, help them create special drawings, paintings, or crafts for family.  Giving can feel really great.  It’s an experience everyone deserves to have.  Plus, thinking about giving to others can take the focus off of receiving gifts and help avoid the selfish asshole mentioned in #3.
7. It is OK to figure out your family’s traditions over several years.  Let’s face it, your first Christmas as a parent might be a little bit of a let-down, because you’re so eager to start making memories, but your 6 month old won’t have a clue what’s going on, and won’t remember much for a couple of years.  Even once kids start remembering, many of those memories won’t last past the age of 8 or 9, but the general feeling of anticipation, magic, tradition, and togetherness will take hold early and last a lifetime, even if the specific activities don’t.  Even once you’ve settled on a few favorite traditions, you have to be willing to let them morph and change a little as your kids get older and their abilities and interests change.  
8. It is not a competition.  Soon enough, your kids’ wish lists will be influenced by classmates  and they will come home somewhat-enviously reporting the exploits of an elf you secretly find repulsive.  Don’t bring comparison and feelings of inadequacy into your home any sooner than necessary, by trying to copy and keep up with every gift and decor trend.  If you’ve established a few solid, simple traditions, including emphasizing more than just presents during the season, and have let kids feel a part and take some ownership of your celebration, your kids will mostly be too busy anticipating your family’s traditions to be too distracted by the wild excess they will eventually see around them.  Oh, and also stay the hell off of Pinterest.